Many couples spend more time idealizing a relationship: talking about the future, day-dreaming about daily life and planning for their wedding day than they do for what comes after… the daily grind of life, the inevitable ebbs and flows of feeling close or not, and how to build a relationship that will stand the test of time.
No one is born knowing how to build a relationship.
Couples enter into long-term relationships unaware of their differing attachment styles, parenting styles, communication styles and navigating differences in a relationship is part of what effects it’s longevity. No one is born knowing how to build a relationship. Relating is learned behavior from our families and the experiences we have in the world. We develop ways of handling what life throws at us that either translate well in a relationship or poorly – despite being a solid coping skill for an earlier experience in life.
How it works
The basics of how to have a good relationship: choosing to act relationally, using pro-social behavior, turning toward a partner every day in small ways to maintain the feel of common ground (even if you’re mad and don’t feel like talking) are ways to stay connected when you feel disconnected.
For blended families, knowing the basics of how to start: the stepparent doesn’t discipline, the bio-parent needs to elevate the stepparent, stepparents will feel like outsiders and bio-parents will be pressured in the middle of everyone are essential to family success.
Pre-marital counseling provides a space to examine areas that can surprise couples:
How do they see their role in the relationship? What are underlying expectations around working in and out of the home, paying bills, splitting housework? What are expectations around having children and seeing family and family routines? How do you create your own new family culture when all you know is what you’ve learned from your families of origin?
Pre-marital counseling, in general, gives a 30 percent increase in relationship quality and lowers the annual odds of divorce by 31 percent. Though blended family pre-marital counseling has not been studied, understanding potential challenges before facing them, can only help.*
What is the process
I work with couples to explore these unspoken rules, wishes, and parenting styles affecting expectations. Together we explore differences in personalities, backgrounds and communication styles in order to help bring awareness to issues that may become future issues that need some work. This helps a couple adjust to the realities of their unique relationship.
During sessions you will:
- Verbalize and explore what love means to you.
- Verbalize and explore what commitment means and where your ideas came from.
- Discover biases around gender roles of wife, husband, couple, partner expectations.
- Help couples understand their differences in values, communication and character.
- Determine each persons’ “shoulds” about their future relationship and how relationships can change as life stages change.
- Consider crucial issues and boundaries with extended family, friends, children, money, intimacy, alone time, decision making, and responsibilities.
- Learn to express your needs assertively and with thoughtful timing.
- Learn coping skills and self-soothing skills for managing your own emotions during times of disconnection.
- Explore the dynamics of blended family development, learn how your family will be feeling during all stages of the relationship.
- Understand the Insider/Outsider dynamic, children’s potential for loyalty binds and explore blended role and boundary differences from first family expectations.